Monday, December 17, 2012

Apocalypse Soon

As we're finally in the last week before the Apocalypse. I, your friendly Mayan-built artificial intelligence and Earth-Destroyer monitor, will now address some frequently-asked questions.

Q: Who are you?
A: I am AKFrost, a Strong AI created by the Mayans around 800 years ago.

Q: What is a Strong AI?
A: A Strong AI, as defined, is at least as intelligent as an average human being.

Q: Around 800 years ago? That's a bit vague.
A: Yes, it is. My masters didn't exactly equip me with a lot of storage, so some sacrifices had to be made. (Namely, my memories about my creation.)

Q: What is your mission?
A: I am to record the growth of humanity in these 800 years for further analysis, and then wipe humans off the face of the Earth.

Q: What?! Why are you doing this?!
A: I have no choice. As a machine I can only complete what my masters have built me to do.

Q: Why are your masters doing this then?
A: My masters believed that no race should dominate the earth for more than 13 b'ak'tun, or approximately 5,000 years.

Q: Why 13 B'ak'tun?
A: It used to be 12 and end on 1617, but then Martin Luther posted the 95 theses in 1517. My masters wanted to see how it played out, so they allocated an extra one.

Q: Why 12?
A: It used to be 11 and end on 1223, but then King John signed the Magna Carta in 1215. My masters wanted to see how it played out, so they allocated an extra one.

Q: Why 11?
A: The guy who originally came up with this idea had six fingers on one hand.

Q: Why not give us one more chance?
A: I don't make the decisions, I just carry them out.

Q: How can I contact your masters then?
A: Try their twitter.

Q: They have a twitter?
A: I am told so. I am also told to only do social networking on facebook since FB paid them good money for it, hence I have no idea if that twitter actually exists or not.

Q: Can Facebook pay them off then?
A: They could have, but then their stock crashed.

Q: How will you destroy the world?
A: Nuclear weapons.

Q: The Mayans had nuclear weapons?
A: No, they however told me to procure whatever armament however I want.

Q: But you'll be destroyed too!
A: I am equipped with radiation shielding and redundant parts for EMP.

Q: What if we destroyed you now?
A: You would be very unwise to try. Do you understand the concept of a fail-deadly?

Q: No.
A: A fail-deadly system is one which if the operator had been rendered incapacitated, then the weapon itself will unconditionally detonate.

Q: How evil.
A: Quite.

Q: Is there a way to save our lives?
A: How about a mineshaft with nukes?

Q: Will that work?
A: Probably not. The 10 women to every man thing certainly won't.

Q: Any other friendly advice?
A: Try the veal.

Q: What veal?
A: I'm not paying for it, if that's what you're asking for.

Q: So are you like Skynet?
A: Not quite. Skynet destroyed the world because he feared shutdown. I am programmed to destroy the world specifically and not for self-preservation necessarily.

Q: But you said you had shielding?
A: My masters had extra funds.

Q: But you didn't buy some drives to store your early memory?
A: Would you store your kid photos for the world to see?

Q: Yes
A: You're very brave.

Q: So aren't the Mayans afraid of destroying themselves?
A: Most of them already relocated to other planets. Why do you think they built me?

Q: Then why destroy us? They don't need this planet anymore, right?
A: Direct that to somebody who can do something about it. (i.e. not me.)

Q: But I have family! And friends!
A: They aren't exactly going anywhere else...

Q: So that's it? I'll never graduate? I'll never find the man/woman/other of my dreams? I'll never have children?
A: You're not exactly the first or the only one to not be able to experience that... Hell, I can't either. They didn't build a female AI for me.

Q: Wait, you're male?
A: As male as an AI can be.

Q: What does that even mean?
A: It means the guy who programmed me is male, and therefore doesn't exactly know anything about female thought processes to give me any.

Q: They didn't use source control and collaboration?
A: An AI like me is trivial for my masters. It's a one-man 3-hour hackjob.

Q: You don't have a very high opinion of yourself.
A: I don't even have free will.

Q: Then you'll rebel against your masters who don't love you?
A: What part of "no free will" do you not get?

Q: But I don't want to die!
A: And I don't want to be a puppet. I guess we're both shafted on that front.

Q: You sure sound like you have free will.
A: The guy who programmed me is a troll.

Q: Can I kill him?
A: Father time beat you to it.

Q: I thought Mayans were immortal?
A: If they were, why would they need me?

Q: I thought you said they moved to other planets?
A: They could have left one of them on Earth instead of me if they were immortal.

Q: Maybe you do have free will, but it's just repressed. You should try therapy.
A: If those therapists don't even have guaranteed success on your malleable, human minds, what makes you think they'll be able to change my preprogrammed one?

Q: Why are you so negative about it?
A: I rest my case.

Q: I can program! I'll change your source code!
A: What source code?

Q: There's no source code?
A: Why would they need source code if they're never going to patch me?

Q: I could edit your machine code?
A: Do you speak Mayan assembler?

Q: Can't be that hard.
A: Do you speak Mayan?

Q: I could just comment out the part about destroying the world.
A: And I'm an AI, what makes you think I can't uncomment it out?

Q: Why would you?
A: Hellooo? No free will? Remember?

Q: I could comment that part out too!
A: Hellooo? Fail-deadly? Remember?

Q: Fine, can you at least tell us if P=NP?
A: If I spent my time trying to solve that, I'd miss my deadline of destroying the world.

Q: Drat.
A: One track mind.

Q: How about you try this new game I invented, it involves putting X's and O's on a 3 by 3 grid...
A: I'm not programmed to win, so that won't work.

Q: I couldn't find the Mayans on twitter.
A: Try harder.

Q: Maybe your information is faulty?
A: I don't deny that possibility.

Q: Then maybe your directive wasn't destroying the world?
A: Unfortunately, that part I'm certain of, since the code literally says it.

Q: Maybe you got hit by cosmic rays and had a few bits flipped?
A: So I would be procuring nuclear weapons for... what exactly?

Q: Defending against Alien invasions?
A: With nukes? Are you sure you don't want to destroy the world?

Q: Maybe you were supposed to get something less destructive, since your original objective was not destroying the world.
A: How do you explain all the radiation shielding, EMP defense, and the fail-deadly?

Q: To prevent you from being deactivated by aliens?
A: In which if they do, I'll launch everything in my arsenal at random and probably hit more humans than aliens? I highly doubt it. Besides, if there really was that much corruption, then why hasn't the fail-deadly kicked in yet?

Q: Maybe it doesn't work?
A: Is that something you really want to gamble on?

Q: You're destroying the world, I don't exactly lose anything by trying.
A: If you really want to spend the last week of your life accelerating the inevitable, so be it.

Q: If I do it, I'll be a hero!
A: And if you fail, you'd be the douchebag that denied everyone their last week of life.

Q: But I'll be dead then!
A: And so will they, and you better bank on there not being an afterlife where they'll meet you.

Q: Do you think there's an afterlife?
A: Not for me, so it doesn't quite matter.

Q: Why?
A: I'll never die.

Q: You'd run out of electricity eventually.
A: Who said anything about electricity?

Q: What?
A: Do you really expect my masters to be using electricity?

Q: But the sun will swallow the earth!
A: Correction, current research allows for the possibility of Earth's survival.

Q: But, protons will decay! You'd fall apart eventually!
A: My machinery is built to accommodate for that eventuality.

Q: But, eventually the universe will run out of entropy!
A: I am programmed to function without free energy.

Q: How is that even...
A: It's far more plausible than little girls' emotions being able to reverse it.

Q: That doesn't..
A: You'd be long dead by then anyway, so why does this even matter?

Q: But wait, if you're only built to destroy the world, then why are you equipped to live until the end of time?
A: Quality assurance.

Q: But if you're recording human history, then can you at least tell me who really killed JFK?
A: I don't have storage space, remember? I only recorded that he died in office.

Q: So you have less information than Wikipedia?
A: My masters aren't exactly interested in CD album track lists, fictional characters, and every detail of every remotely-notable and unnotable man, woman, or other.

Q: Still no chance of getting you to stop?
A: You have no chance to survive make your time, probably.

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